Blog Post #1:
First things first
OK, let’s get started by stating the obvious and just get this out of the way once and for all; my name is Yndra it’s pronounced In-drah, hence, the name of this blog. When I started thinking about a name for my blog, and since this is going to be a personal blog; I thought – “what would be the one thing that describes me and is consistent across my life?” And the answer to that was very plainly that throughout my entire life no one ever gets my name right the first time. It’s the kind of thing that if I had a dollar for every time someone doesn’t get my name right first time (or after multiple attempts), I would probably be a millionaire by now. I’m not even kidding.
So I’m writing a blog about myself, and let me begin by saying that I’m not doing this because I’m a highly self-centered person, but because I was challenged to do it by my someone who used the words “Let’s make an experiment with you” and knew she immediately had my attention and got an almost instant – “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED” reply from me (for those How I Met Your Mother fans out there, you will know the tone in which how those words need to be said). As I was thinking about writing about myself, I also kind of thought it would be really boring to start off with a line that went something like “July 30, 1985 2:00 PM…” (just putting that out there in case someone wants to give me a free astrology reading). Instead, I decided a better approach would be to go back in time and reflect on some past experiences that give you, my beloved readers, an idea of what I’m all about. But what events from my past are more relevant? Where do I even begin? And the answer was there all along as I was scrolling through my Instagram, old stories and posts. The first thing that came up was this memory from 2016 and I thought it had enough background that I could use to reflect on and “spill some tea”.
You might think this is a random vain selfie taken somewhere in Cancun, showing a little bit of a side boob, but oh no…. This one has a little bit of a sad story behind it. Behind those pink polarized Ray Bans are a pair of dark brown eyes that were frankly a little swollen from crying after I found out my ex was getting married. And don’t get me wrong, at that moment in time I was not in love with my ex nor did I have any intentions of getting back with him. I also didn’t I miss him at all; I just thought he didn’t deserve love and a “happy ending”, at least not more than I did.
And do not worry my friends, my Instagram stories also feature some pleasant memories that I’ll be eager to talk about soon. Because I do have tons of happy and funny memories to share, especially those that involve my friends who are now married and now on their best behavior and don’t want their husbands/wives to know the kind of monsters they married. I’M FINALLY ABLE TO TELL IT ALL!! MUAHAHA. In my defense, I think they already know that and it’s too late to back up now. C’est la vie.
Anyway, back to the heartbreak story. This guy and I dated for like 6 years while we were both in university. It was the kind of love where for the first time in your life you fall deep and hard; every moment takes your breath away, nothing and no one matters more than this person, you are capable of going through unimaginable lengths to make it work. In many ways, it was a great relationship, one that I keep beautiful memories from and where I grew and learned to share my time, my space, my life. But somewhere in that process I gave so much of myself that I lost sight of who I was. I became an extension of him, his family, and his friends….all while my family, my friends, my hobbies, my interests were put to the side. I tried so hard for so long to make this relationship work, keep this guy’s attention (yes, I had to constantly work to get his attention or make it to his priority list; and no, that is not normal nor healthy I learned later). I tried so hard to the point where not only did I lose myself but I was completely emotionally drained. I literally wasn’t capable to give anything more. Around the same time where I was reaching that exhaustion point, it also finally hit me that he had no intentions of ever taking our relationship to the next level (whatever that was), meaning, he did not love me the same way I did. He didn’t see us growing old, becoming a family, or having any kind of long-term future together. It was something he said one day, and I will never forget the exact words he used and the exact moment where I felt this hole in my stomach, and I lost my motivation or rather my reason to keep pushing our relationship. It was one of those turning point moments in life, like a bomb was dropped and suddenly everything turned dark, and I could feel was left this like “ground zero” in my whole being. So, with no emotional energy left and no motivation to keep going, I decided to end things. It took me a while to actually execute on it, I mean, I knew I needed to break up with him the second after that “ground zero” moment, but our relationship was so codependent I didn’t even know how to function without him and all the “support” system I had created around him. So, it took me a while to gather enough strength to actually do it, and it was funny because the day I did it, it came as such a surprise to him. Like he never expected me to be the one to break up with him. We cried together, said our good-byes and that was it. There was no turning back after that, at least not for me. There was never a moment of doubt since.
After that, it took me a good couple of years (maybe more), countless hours of therapy sessions, and the support of my great friends who didn’t hesitate to take me back, for me to rediscover myself.
It was after a work event in Cancun. I had decided to stay there and take a few days off with Silvia who is a very good friend I know from work. Everything had been going great drinking mojitos and working on my tan, until I got a message from a friend saying he saw that I was in Playa del Carmen (for those of you who don’t know, it’s a great beach town right next to Cancun) and that seeing my posts had reminded him of the last time we had met over there and all the fun it had been (For some context: I had been in Playa del Carmen about two years earlier and ran into this guy and his girlfriend on a trip I took alone after the infamous breakup.). He also then proceeded to ask me if I was aware that my ex was getting married, to which I replied – “no, how do you know?” and then I never got a reply. After doing some digging with a couple of other friends, it turned out that everybody knew about the engagement and was afraid to tell me.
At that moment I was left feeling a little bit betrayed, but more than that I just felt life wasn’t fair. I had worked my ass off to make a relationship work, to then worked my ass off again to rebuild myself; only to be the one still alone, no new relationships, no excitement of a new love in the horizon, nothing. I just felt like he always did so little and cared so little, how was he being rewarded with finding his person and I wasn’t? It just didn’t make sense to me; why him and not ME? And then I sobbed uncontrollably for like an hour out of envy. Eventually, I guess I dried out of tears to cry. My poor friend Silvia had been sitting by my side the entire time and I am sure she was relieved that my crying finally stopped. You know how some friends have a way to cheer you up and then next thing you know you’re laughing again? She’s like that for me. After a while and a few beers I was laughing again. Somewhere within the laughter and the sun and the waves, I felt better again. I do think the beach has very powerful healing powers. (Highly recommend, five stars!) And then, at that moment, I saw my own reflection on my phone. I was rocking a nice outfit and a colorful headband that cost me a small fortune; I was taking a few days off at the Caribbean and had just put together a successful event for clients. – Hey, I’m kind of not doing bad at all! And suddenly I remembered how hard I had fought to become myself again and how proud I was (am) of who I had become; ultimately it all led to realizing I learned to love myself before anyone else and that’s all that matters. All else will come at it’s own right time….I think. *camera clicks* #selfie
It’s Pronounced In-drah 